Soul Searching with Yve

As I sit here frustrated from another night of racing thoughts and uncontrollable anxiety creeping up again, I decided to write about it. I can’t turn these thoughts off and I don’t know why. I know everything will eventually be ok and there isn’t any amount of worrying or missed sleep that can fix the issue(s), but writing about it all can help, right? I can’t exactly pinpoint a trigger or cause so I’m going to answer some general questions to see if it makes more sense written out instead of obsessive constant thought.

What seems to be on my mind is everything. From remembering the laundry that I put into the washing machine but forgot to switch over earlier, to that appointment I have next week. What day was it scheduled for? Oh, and Jax broke a baby tooth and I have no idea how. He was standing at the coffee table and then started screaming “My toof!” He didn’t fall, he wasn’t eating anything. He just had a sippy cup in his hand. He does like to chew on those so maybe that’s what happened. Why can’t I have eyes in the back of my head or maybe have a clone or two of myself to keep everything in check? The poor child just got his cast off after having a spiral fracture to his femur, and now a broken tooth, on a Thursday evening. UGH. Did I eat the dinner I made? I think so. Wow, no wonder my glucose levels have been wonky lately! Why did his bone break when he was running in the yard, and then his tooth broke seemingly so easily? He has always had his teeth brushed and I give him his vitamins. Maybe it’s because eating has always been a struggle. How am I going to keep everything together at home and take that job offer? 12-hour shifts at the hospital, away from the kids again. Who will make sure everything gets done while I’m working? Will I be too tired more often than I already am? What happens when I have a PoTS “attack” and have to work? I guess If I pass out, I’m already at the hospital! I know, I know, not funny. But I need to laugh about it, what else can I do? -Why, oh why can’t I just stop this constant parade of thoughts?

How am I feeling right now? HA! Physically I’m exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Like there isn’t enough of me to get everything done in a day. I’m so tired most of the time that it gets pretty difficult to function. I look pale most of the time, I get so dizzy and weak it’s hard to stand. My heart rate goes from 30s to 100s when I stand up. My blood pressure is all over the place and I have a constant stabbing pain in the middle of my chest that just lingers (I’ve had an ED visit and no heart attack, they said anxiety). I can’t shower without almost fainting and being so drained afterwards that it takes up to an hour to finish my routine. I’m always thirsty but dehydrated. I can’t seem to hold enough nutrients in my body to function properly- there’s always something that’s too low. I could go on, but I won’t. Mentally, I’m slowly going into a “whatever” kind of mood. It’s been a little over two years of constant stress and not feeling well enough to function and I can’t stand it. I love getting things done, checking off those boxes on my latest list but it hasn’t been happening. I have to save my physical and mental energy for caring for the children.

I am grateful that I was able to wake up this morning and that things haven’t been the worst-case scenario and it’s all things that can be dealt with as we go. I’m happy we have healthy children, a comfortable roof over our heads, running water, transportation, and food to eat.

The emotions I have been feeling lately are frustration, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, grief, contentment, love, and happiness.

If I could change things for the better, I would fix my health issues so I can function properly and get things done. I would also work on being patient and not trying to get everything done all at once. I need to learn to ask for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. Giving myself a Mommy time out to regroup would be amazing, just 5 minutes to sit in silence and breathe. Adulting is hard when you just feel like crap all the time.

I’ve always liked having time to myself to recharge after a long day of taking care of everyone else. With my older kids, I would put them to bed and relax for an hour before I went to bed. I would read, draw, watch tv, stretch my body, meditate, or just plain sit in silence and shut off my thoughts. Jax has never been a very good sleeper though. If the house creaks or cracks, he’s awake. He needs to be near me at night and if he can’t feel me close by he wakes up yelling for me. He takes forever to go to sleep no matter what. He will say let’s go to sleep mama, and then fight it all the way. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I just don’t know what to do to fix the issue. This honestly goes back to me not having the energy to get anything done about it, and that is what I think is my issue. I’m beating myself up over not having the energy to do what I know needs to be done and I feel like time is wasting!

What are your experiences with anxiety-filled sleepless nights? How do you cope with stress? Let me know what’s on your mind in the comments below so I know I’m not alone!